Sacrifice

I'm feeling blue..again. To be honest i'm really tired of being like this. Too much emotion involved and i don't think i can manage to handle any consequences due to my helpless feeling. Yeah, i really need someone to talk to but i don't think that would be much helpful since nobody knows me like i do and i don't trust people that much either. So i just keep it to myself and let myself drown into this feeling bit by bit until i feel sober by any chance, sooner or later.

I do admit, this part of my life is particularly stressfull since i have to do almost everything on my own. Frankly speaking this is not me being not independent enough but once in a while i think need someone who is willing to share everything, someone to talk with, someone to be by my side whenever i need him and someone who gives a damn about me and anything i ever wanted. Am i lonely? Yeah, i absolutely agree with that statement. I might be surrounded by some happening crowds but at the end of the day, i found my soul's crawling in the dark with all the emptiness within. I couldn't help it. I feel like my soul is thrown into misery and surrounded by endless sorrow. Heh, such a dramatic ending eyh?

I used to have someone, happen to be my soulmate so to speak. We did everything together, rode our great roller coaster of life together and shared every single dream together but now, seems like i'm on my own. I feel isolated by being neglected by someone i trust most. Well, am i some selfish jerk who keep whining about every unfateful events which happen to be my destiny? I certainly think so. Heh. I'm such a jerk. Or should i put the blame on him instead? Owh i don't think it's appropriate to blame on him either. I'm totally aware that if he was given the oppoturnity to make things better, he would just grab it. It's totally unfair for me to put the blame on him alone since i know what he's doing now is for the sake of our own future. Then what or whom should i put my blame to?? Nothing right? So..this is what we called SACRIFICE.

I had a phone conversation with someone i love last night - my dad. He's the one i turn to everytime when i'm feeling down. He knows me well than anybody else does. In fact my soulmate doesn't know me well like he does. But i won't simply turn to him if my problem is not crucial. But last night, he called me and asked me on how am i doing. Based on the question and the tone of his voice, basically i knew what kind of answer that he expected. I said i'm doing good but suddenly he lowered his voice a bit and.....

I just listened to every words he said and later on i couldn't help myself from burst into tears. He exactly knew what's on my mind and i didn't surprise because he always be the one who can read my mind without being near me. And last night, i learnt that new word, SACRIFICE. Yeah, i've heard that word before but i didn't know the exact meaning of that word until last night. I wonder because there were so many people keep mentioning the sacrifice word to me, but ironically i don't give a damn about it. Yup, i'm stubborn. I wouldn't realize and i wouldn't simply listen to anybody, but when it comes to my dad, miracally enough his words could penetrate into my mind easily. He put it very nicely and amazingly, it suits my current situation. Obviously it wasn't the only lesson i learnt from him last night but way more than that, i realized..whatever i do or whatever i go through, i'm not alone...

Well, whenever i feel so lost, i can just go back to the start. That is the basic idea i got from my dad. He didn't say it directly, but he did say something like this "when u count to ten and suddenly u forget in the middle, just count back from one". Yes..that is what i'm gonna do. And in fact today i keep thinking about the sacrifice issue. Yeah, somehow it makes me feel better. I realized, sometimes life is just not to be the way we always expected, but no matter how hard it is, we just go through it. We gotta fight every step of the way for the pursuit of happiness.

Hmm..i feel better now. Really. But if he only knew how much i miss him, that would be better. Yeah, i can be more understanding, but still i couldn't get rid of this lonely feeling. Hope everything will be over soon and i can't wait to hold him back in my arms again....